Tuesday, 30 August 2011

I think his first sentence went to my head...

A genuine email I recieved not too long ago, and my sincere and heartfelt reply...


Pardon me for not having the pleasure of knowing your mindset before making you this offer and it is utterly
confidential and genuine by virtue of its nature.

I write to solicit your assistance in a funds transfer deal involving US$3.5M.This fund has been stashed out of the
excess profit made last 2years by my branch office of the International Commercial Bank of Ghana which I am the manager.

I have already submitted an approved end-of-the-year report for the year 2007 to my head office here in Accra-Ghana and they will never know of this excess.

I have since then, placed this amount on a Non-Investment Account without a beneficiary. Upon your response, I will
configure your name on our database as holder of the Non-Investment Account. I will then guide you on how to
apply to my head office for the Account Closure/bank-to-bank remittance of the funds to your designated bank

If you concur with this proposal, I intend for you to retain 30% of the funds while 70% shall be for me. Kindly forward
your response to me immediately

With Regards,
George Nduka
+233 24 888 6531

Dear George,

Your foremost apology is inherently appreciated and understood as such. By the merit of your kindness and the generosity of your heart, I can tell you are a beneficiary of the greatest endeavour.

However, further to my previous bestowing of candour on your part, it pains me deep within my soul to bear truth to your words and honesty before your remittance. I do not, as of this time, possess a bank account with which to incur such monetary forbearances.

However, in light of these economical revelations, I have since given birth to a notion of the highest order. I will come to you and collect these funds, at no greater a cost to you yourself of, say, £1500. Being an individual of the most sought after integrity and virtue, I of course would require a first class aeroplane ticket, away from the scurrilous vices and masturbatory pestilence of the diseased vermin that infests 'economy class'.

Once in the blessed and bountiful land of Ghana, I would then require accommodation of the fittest possible standard for someone of my bearing and loyal kinship. 5 stars, no less. And throw in a safari, too. Uh, a safari that conveys all the majesty and nobility of the animal lineage which thereupon plays such a transcendent role.

Oh, and make it 60/40 in my favour. My...benevolent and valorous favour. Is valorous even a word? There's no red squiggly line underneath it, so I guess it's a word. Uhh, salutations and fare-thee-wells, my resplendent brother and egregious friend. Do I mean egregious? Whatever...

Yours sincerely,

Sam Smith.

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