A Letter To The Council...

A letter I recently sent to my local council concerning an issue very close to my heart. No, not my aorta...

Dear Council,

For literally days now, I've been requesting a zebra crossing on the road outside my block of flats. I've tried bribery, flattery, even lying (alas, there was no school for the deaf blind. How would they find it?) So it's come to this: the power of the human imagination.

Imagine, if you will, that your whole body is made of breezeblocks, except for your feet, which are made from Velcro. And now imagine the road is also made from Velcro. And imagine you're carrying 18 bags of shopping. And the bags are made from cast iron. And the cars are all being driven by Jeremy Clarkson. And you’re Piers Morgan. And all this is happening inside The Sun. And you’ve got no sun-cream. And you need the loo. And you’re late for a dental appointment. Now double all that. That’s how hard the road is to cross.

And hey, if you can’t/won’t do that, maybe you could construct two retractable walls made from solid titanium. At the touch of a button (of which, I would be the sole possessor), they pop up out of the road, creating a natural (read: manmade) path for me to cross the road safely. Of course, this would cause the flaming deaths of a bunch of selfish motorists, not to mention requiring almost round-the-clock ambulance/fire/waste disposal services on hand to attend to the resultant chaos, but in war, there’s always casualties.

I urge you to do the right thing.

Yours Sincerely,

Sam Smith.


Turns out I sent it to The Arts Council by mistake.

My Kid's Book! (First Drafts)

Yeah, so I thought I'd try my hand at penning a new kid's book. Here are the results. Enjoy at your peril...




There are so many things that begin with an 'A',

Like this little black insect that's busy all day,

A fruit you can pick in a bushel or peck,

A sex act where you wank with a belt around your neck.

Book, ball and bag all begin with a 'B',

Along with a black and yellow bug that produces honey,

I got this floaty treat on the day of the fair,

When my mum purged her junk food I held back her hair.

'C' is a letter with which many things rhyme,

Like this useful device to help tell the time,

This purring animal will wrap itself around your legs,

While these people prefer shitting on each other's heads.

Jabberwocky (Revised Edition)

This new version of Lewis Carroll's classic nonsense poem was commissioned because school boards thought that the original might 'exclude pupils who already find English diffcult enough'. Have a look and see what you think...

It was midnight, and the leafy trees,

Did shake and rustle in the wind,

All shivering were the shrubberies,

And the moon shines brightly.

Beware the fearsome beast, my son,

The jaws that bite, the claws that catch,

Beware the vicious bird, and mind,

The dangerous animal.

He took his pointy sword in hand,

Long time the scary foe he sought,

So rested he by a big oak tree,

And stood awhile in thought.

And as in silent thought he stood,

The fearsome beast, with angry eyes,

Came running through the darkened wood,

And dribbled as it came.

One two! One two! And through, and through,

The pointy sword went stabby-stab,

He left it dead, and with its head,

He travelled slowly back.

And have you slain the fearsome beast?

Come to my arms, my brave, brave boy,

Oh awesome day! Hurrah! Hooray!

He beat boxed in his joy.

It was midnight, and the leafy trees,

Did shake and rustle in the wind,

All shivering were the shrubberies,

And the moon shines brightly.

Gotta be honest, it's missing a certain something...